I forgot what reasons I have for being angry with him. All I remember is that I have this intense anger I need to get it out from my chest. I became a bitch in less than 3 seconds. All the silences, all the attitude, I had enough of it. I just broke down.
Every last bit of self control I had ever harnessed is gone. I kicked and I scratched and I punched. I did everything I could to get rid of that horrible feeling I have in my chest. All I know is that I need to release. My mind is one tracked. I cant think of anything else. Except a little glimpse of what would the neighbors think when they see the car shaking and screams emitted from the inside.
There are my fingernail marks on his arm, redness on his face and scratches on the chest and neck. I looked at then at horror. I seriously did not thought I am capable of this kind of damages. He took it with silence, without even retaliating. After I saw what I did to him, I feel so remorse instantly. I started slapping myself. I don't know why I did it, except that I NEED to do it. He put his hands around my face to stop me, pulled my hands into his, and shielding me from my own hands. After all the non-stop hitting, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I just cried and cried. We were both late for work and in spite the rush for time, he didn't rush me. He just let me cry and cry and cry until I am ready to talk. Then he passed me tissues for my tears and boogers.
Then we went off to work. During work, I caught him many times sitting out back and resting his head on the knees. When I looked at him, he just give me a weak smile. I look at him, his scars caused by me. Then I got the courage to ask:
Do you think it's better for you if we broke up?
He was silent for a while, pretending not to hear me. When I repeated the question, he shook his head. Even after all that, he wasn't ready to give me up. He couldn't tell me why, but he doesn't need to. Even after all the crazy woman stunts I pulled on him, he doesn't want to give me up. That's what amazed me.
After work, he is still silent, but not as much as before. He tried to joke around with me, but I imagine it's not possible for him to get over it so fast. I don't blame him. I blame myself. All the way.
He just called me a few moments ago and is planning to have a date on our day off. He is able to joke around with me after all that.
**** ** ***
I means, wtf? What have I done to deserve a guy like him? Despite everything, his main priority is still to make sure that I'm happy and not worried about him. I know he have a lot of flaws. But I daresay now that this happened, my flaws are waaay more than his.
I don't really have a great love life before him. My first guy cheated on me. My second guy cheated me. Guess, I'm insecure in this sense. Before I knew him, I don't know that I'm so goddamn needy. I feel like wanting his attention on me at all possible times. I try to be the reasonable girlfriend, hanging out with his friends when they obviously doesn't like me. I try to put up with all his mistakes and annoyances, just to make him like me more. I wanted all my time to be spent with him. I smile when my friends say that he is not right for me, when all I wanna do is to give em one slap for thrashing him.
But deep down I know I have sorta problem. Sometimes, I couldn't manage my rage and anger. I just felt like lashing out to any other person that is there. Appley is probably the most shunned girl in my class. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, but a lot of the other times I was the one leading the discrimination. Probably all the remorse and guilt are there inside of me all the time, building up, bidding their strength just in time to lash out to me and make me an uncontrollable raging bitch.
That's it. When school reopens, I'm gonna see the counselor.
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